Taking care of JIA CHONG for Dummies
by Insertnameheretwentytimes
Summary: A manual on the JIA CHONG unit.


**Introduction**

You're f***ked. You now own the JIA CHONG unit, the second most expensive unit of the Jin line. Known for his violence around anyone who annoys him. If you're dead by now, I am not coming to your funeral. He will be dressed as a priest, but he's not even Christian, so... yeah... bitches will die that day. Regrets? Too bad, we don't want him either! He's gonna kill me for drugging him and stuffing him into a box!

Follow us on Instagram at #DeadWarriorCorp or at #StopJiaChongFromKillingMe

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**Come with...**

**One (1) bottle of black nail polish**

**Ten (10) bottles of sunscreen**

**Seven (7) Armani leather jackets (Sell 'em, you're dead)**

**Two (2) pairs of elf shoes**

**Two (2) throwing axes**

**Basic Information**

**Name: Jia Chong (In no relation to the JIA XU unit)**

**Gender: Male**

**Place of Manufacture: China, Unknown province**

**Other names: Emo, Kiss Reject, Ka Ju, Kaju, Kaiju, Sebastian**

**Famous for: Being an adviser to the SIMA SHI and SIMA ZHAO units, ordered the death of Cao Mao**

**Spouse(s): Li Wan, Guo Huai (No! Not that Guo Huai!)**

**Children: One son that died because of a jealous Guo Huai (Again, not that Guo Huai), three daughters, Jia Nanfeng aka the one who ruled Jin until Sima Lun killed her (That little douche)**

**Appearance: Rejected Kiss member **

**Build: Average**

**Age: About 20-21 **

**Striking Features: Pale, black make-up, hard-to-draw hair, leather jacket **

**Height: 6'1**

**P$ %$en*is Le*n*g*th: (I should apologize to Suzaku and ask him back...)**

**Se&x5u al Or!ie ntat*)ion: He$ teros$ex# %ual, h&*o ****mo s!exual for mu% rder.**

**Quirks: Loves murder like it's his wife. Plays World of Warcraft in secret. Likes snuff films and oranges.**

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**Instructions**

**IS ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! USE CAUTION WHEN OPENING THE BOX!**

Carefully open the box in order to not startle the JIA CHONG unit into chopping your sorry head off. He's not actually scared, he's just looking for an excuse to cut your head off. Repeat this line when you open the box, "You're in your happy place." This has a 50-50 chance of working, because his happy place is cutting your head off. After that, introduce yourself clearly and not fangirlly or else he'll cut your head off.

DO NOT touch his jacket. It's made of Armani leather! It cost loads of gold for him to get customized, so don't touch his jacket or ask him to borrow it or your head will fly.

**Care**

He is not letting you wash him, so don't even try. And for the women who want to know if every single part of him is pale white and is going to peek on him while he's bathing, he's going to poke your eyeball out if you drill a hole into the bathroom wall and peek at him there. If you plan to take this unit outside, he needs his sunscreen along with an umbrella. Especially if you live somewhere where it's sunny a lot. The sun hurts his eyes also, so give him sunglasses. Avoid walking with this unit in areas where hipsters and emos hang out. This will attract unwanted attention because the JIA CHONG unit owns those two species of human in one single go and they will try to insult his style even though the JIA CHONG unit won't respond. Or the hipsters will take his style and claim it as their own. The unit's diet consists of plant and animal matter along with rice. No American fatty foods. He likes to drink fruit juice, especially orange. And no, it's not that Sunny-D crap. It has to be fresh juice. You cannot grab the nearest bottle in your local Wal-Mart and pass that off as "juice." He knows it's not real juice and will make a you blood smoothie if you don't give him his fruit juices. He rarely sleeps, so your bed is still yours until he actually needs sleep. Until then, he's going to play World of Warcraft until you wake up again.

That's if he didn't kill you yet.

**How to Keep your JIA CHONG unit happy**

It is simple to entertain this unit since he loves anything that dies turn into a bloody gore mess. Show him a Saw, Scream, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Final Destination, or any horror movie that involves people dying in gruesome ways. He'll giggle like a schoolgirl when the bloody killing parts come on. Don't expect him to comfort you during those times you watch a horror movie with him. If you're afraid of horror movies, don't be in the room with the JIA CHONG unit at that time. Also, I over exaggerated on the giggling schoolgirl part, he will laugh, but not like that. The JIA CHONG unit responds to video games. The only video games he'll play are the ones with tons of violence and blood, World of Warcraft being the only exception to this policy of his. No, none of that Call of Duty crap. He wants actual guts and blood flying in his face. So here's the small list of what he'll play and enjoy:

**Manhunt and Manhunt 2 (Recommended)**

**Madworld**

**Dead Rising 1, 2, or 3 **

**God of War games **

**Postal 2**

**GTA 3, 4, or 5**

Leave him in front of these games and he'll be in his happy place for a very long time. Keeping the SIMA ZHAO unit around is both going to anger and entertain him since he's stupid, but the unit takes amusement from his friend's stupidity.

**The JIA CHONG unit will leave you or disobey you (or kill you) if the following happens... **

You annoy him

Give him Sunny-D instead of fresh orange juice

Shave his hair for no reason

He gets tanned (He doesn't care if it isn't your fault! He's still going to kill you.)

You scream during the murder scenes of any horror movie

You showing weakness (He's a daedra lord.)

Koei takes him

You die

**Precautions MUST READ**

**DO NOT leave this unit with a gun! NO! NO! He must NOT have a gun! He'll become trigger-happy and start a serial killing spree!**

**Do not leave this unit alone with a blender. No, he's not going to stick his hand in there, he's going to start experimenting on your cat/dog with it.**

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**Voice Options**

**-Matthew Mercer**

**-Hiroki Takahashi (You can choose Leon Kennedy or Japan)**

**Special skills**

**-Chinese speaker and translator**

**-Killer (It's pretty obvious)**

**-Hit man *Locked until bond is high***

**-Bodyguard *Locked until bond is high* (I think those three are the same thing...)**

**-Scarecrow (Use it at Starbucks or Gamestop to discourage people from going in, thus giving you more space in that place)**

**Modes**

**In Happy Place (Default)**

**Murderer **

**Vampire**

**Babysitter (to the SIMA ZHAO unit)**

**Romancing**

**Females: Just go your normal routine. As long you don't complain about him playing World of Warcraft and the constant blood on his hands, he's all yours. **

**Males: Oh, you have a chance. When you're hands are blue and cold, that is.**

**Interactions**

**SIMA YI: Made him less evil by comparison. Hates stupid people.**

**SIMA ZHAO: Best friend and adviser to this unit. Tried to surf in the bathtub.**

**ZHANG CHUNHUA: Share the same psychopathic therapy doctor. (And if you're wondering who that is, seek the ZHANG HE unit.)**

**SIMA SHI: Adviser to this unit also. Was a handsome guy both historically and in-game. **

**WANG YUANJI: Works with her to babysit the SIMA ZHAO unit. Ha, Wang...**

**ZHONG HUI: I don't know, I saw fangirls ship these two together, but I don't get what's the deal. Did they interact in the game? I never saw that.**

**ZHUGE DAN: Was his smiling coach in Ambition Mode...? Lieutenant Dan, ice cream. *waves ice cone***

**FAQ's**

_**How do I make him fall in love with me?**_

**Define "love". We're talking about a guy who LIKES killing stuff with no remorse.**

_**Fine, how do I make him have sex with me?**_

**Eeeeeh... okay? Just be looking all weak and innocent then he'll rape you. Happy?**

_**I can't find my dog.**_

**Hmm... Too bad.**

_**He gave me this weird red liquid and I'm not sure whether or not to drink it.**_

**Ohhh, that's Kool-Aid.**

_**But... I don't have any Kool-Aid...**_

**Then it's your dog. I told you to never leave him with a blender! Drink it or the JIA CHONG unit will be upset. You don't want that to happen, do you?**


End file.
